by BB Curtis

It is said that we should be careful for what we ask that we might just get it. Here is another that bears watching. Be careful of negative feelings toward people we dislike, for we or someone we love might just turn into that person. It has happened many times in my life and has been mentioned to me by friends and acquaintances on far too many occasions to be ignored.

We live in a world full of all kinds of people. We make the excuse that “It takes all kinds,” when we attempt to slough off the bad feelings that are welling up when a person says or does something evil either to us or to someone we like or love. This is especially true when we are trying to console or calm our friend or loved one when they’ve been hurt or infuriated by one of the Neanderthals with whom we must interact. However, care should be taken if/when we begin to obsess or complain too much about those who are highly rude, unusually inconsiderate, or downright nasty. Here are a few examples of what I mean.

The first comes from my own repertoire. I’ve been married a few times (unsuccessfully) and have had a couple of sort of long-term, serious relationships. As these relationships were playing themselves out, I found that there existed some role reversals. If husband number two had driven me crazy by procrastinating, then I would make husband number three suffer over my procrastination. If husband number three was ultra-critical, then husband number four had better lookout. The scathing remarks were going to be fired off without warning.

This did not occur on purpose, but I certainly began to see trends. I don’t now think that it was a subconscious attempt on my part to pay someone back through another. Occasionally I would be right in the middle of the mess I’d helped create and say to myself, “I’ve turned into my ex-husband!” The dismay was overwhelming at times. As these instances repeated themselves, I began to learn a little more about understanding others. It helps to see things from many angles – especially when one has the opportunity to be both a receiver and a sender.

I think this is the most pointed example I’ve heard. While she was growing up, a friend’s mother had often told her, “If I ever start to act like your grandmother [the mother-in-law – shudder and shake], shoot me dead!” Grandma was a miserable person. Since she didn’t like peaches, her granddaughter should not like peaches. She’d turn her nose up in disgust and make an ugly face if Shelley ate a peach in front of her and then stalk off to another room. Shelley, undaunted, would follow her into the other room and make a big deal out of enjoying the peach. Grandma pronounced words wrong. For instance, one of her favorite TV shows was Gunsmoke. Even though she never missed an episode and heard the name at the start of every single show, she insisted that the male lead character’s name was Matt Dilling – correct name, Matt Dillon. Oregano was oregana. The list is relatively endless. Since Shelley had been taught the importance of correct grammar and rules of speech and pronunciation, this drove her well over the edge.

Her grandmother had lots of friends. Many of her friends knew each other. She’d tell each friend that the other one had said something horrible about the other woman. These people became mortal enemies, never to speak to each other again. The old bat remained friends with both women and commiserated with both of them about how horribly their other once-mutual friend had treated them, fueling the fire if it looked like they might make up.

Grandma had an attic full of old crap that she thought was made of 24-karate gold. In an attempt to start an argument between mother and daughter, she would promise the stuff to the mother and the same stuff to Shelley. Little did she know that neither one of them was interested in her junk.

When she watched something educational on television, she’d immediately begin to explain it to everyone in the room backward and inside out. One thing that particularly drove Shelley nuts was the way she read all the signs along the highway when they were driving along. They had all moved to Salt Lake City from the east coast. There are signs along the interstate telling where the exits are to get to the lake. The signs say, “The Great Salt Lake Next Exit.” This would bring on a lecture from Grandma about “these people who think this place is so great, and it’s just big, dirty and disgusting.” Every time this occurred, Shelley would explain that the signs were not referring to the city but to the lake, and its proper name is The Great Salt Lake. However, that never stopped the tirade every time they passed those signs.

Grandma would sit in Shelley’s mom’s kitchen, after having moved in with her son and daughter-in-law, spouting recipes although she never picked up a pot or pan to cook anything; and everything that the mother cooked was criticized throughout every meal. I met the woman and experienced this first-hand on more than one occasion. She would screw up her face as though she’d just ingested something out of a cat’s litter box and loudly pronounce, “This is the worst meal I’ve ever had.” By the way, Mom’s cooking was great. As is typical in most sitcoms, her daughter-in-law could do absolutely nothing right (think Marie Barone as played by Doris Roberts in Everybody Loves Raymond); but, in her own mind, she was kind and considerate of others’ feelings. My, she would never think of being rude or critical! She would never say anything that might hurt someone’s feelings. Fact: She was rude, critical, and stupid. Fact:  Her granddaughter couldn’t stand to be around her from an early age. The older Shelley got the more she detested her grandmother. Another fact:  As the mother in this scenario grew older, she turned into her mother-in-law – right down to facial expressions, the set and stony jaw, and the crossed legs and folded arms that marked the ends of opinionated monologues.

Discussion over! The only person in the room who knew anything about what was being discussed was Mom, who was now Grandma right down to mispronouncing the word “oregano”; and no one had better open a mouth to dispute her final word. You see, she knew it all and no one else knew anything. This was NOT the woman who’d reared Shelley.

Several years after her mother passed on, it occurred to Shelley that this might have been meant as a learning experience for her. She loathed her grandmother long after her death. Dealing with her mother after the transformation was difficult at best. She had done her utmost to stay out of arguments with her mom and just ignore most of the annoying mannerisms. She decided that she needed to forgive her grandmother’s poor behavior and remember her mother as the kind and loving person she’d been, instead of the pain in the rear that she’d become.

Carrying around hateful thoughts and mean emotional baggage just might heap some coals of fire upon us. Condemning someone who doesn’t know any better doesn’t do us any good. My mother’s closest friend was probably one of the kindest people I’ve ever known. Mom tells a story of them driving along when a poorly maintained car pulled up beside them. My mother, being overly critical by nature, commented on the shabby shape the car was in and questioned what kind of person would have the nerve to drive around in something like that. Her sweet friend’s soft-spoken response was, “Maybe that’s the best they can do.”

Be well.

© Bobbi Curtis 2015, All Rights Reserved